Eclectic Oatmeal

I should just go home.

Posted in Uncategorized by Bryan on November 5, 2008

Its no secret that many people think I am going to hell, and by their rule sets, I would have to agree with them. I do drugs, I talk about sex, and I love two guys going at it. Still, Hell doesnt sound bad. It has 2 of my favorite letter, 2! Besides that, it wouldnt be that bad. I would probably relax in the hot-tobesque volcano. While a scantily clad devil prods me with a red trident. After the miserable incinerations, and have my skin bubbling from the hell-bath. I would move 1000 pound boulders while talking to other sinners. Such as prostitutes, pornstars, gay pornstars, gamblers, and mafia men! Basically, even though I’m being tortured for eternity, atleast I get to spend time with some interesting people.

On the flipside, on the off chance of me going to heaven, that might suck even more. Even though I’m weightlessly floating on comfy clouds, and bowling with angels. It doesnt seem appealing. Finding a one night stand would kill me, and hanging out with the people I hate (A.K.A Born Again Conservatives who whisper nasty-nothings under their breath about me) would crowd around the cloudy golf course. I would hang myself with a halo.

My ideal heaven? It would be communistic, except it would work. People would just come home to find food awaiting on my lounging couch, thing. That is like a paisley drug trip pattern that are constantly changing. Oh, yeah, everyone would constantly be drunk and orgasming. Destroying the need to actually be sober. Also, there would be no consequences! Just because you make-out with a spongey haired loser who fails at singing the national anthem at a football game, doesnt give him the right to walk around calling you “String Bean” to everyone who mentions your name. One who would do this would have their orgasm/drunk existence removed, and they shall be sent into a dark,bland, and blaise forest inwhich they have to eat from the unbeloved Puu Puu beans. They are called “Puu Puu Beans” for a reason. MUAHAHAAW.

Ah, life would be good.

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